What do one Malawian Orphan, the third season of Lost (on VHS) and a brand new 1983 G.I. Joe Storm Shadow Action Figure all have in common?
They’re all items found on Diplo’s hospitality rider.
A hospitality rider is, basically, a list of essential items and accoutrements required by the performer specific to a their tastes and comforts. As a courtesy, a concert venue provides these things to keep the performing artist happy.
What usually happens with concert riders is that they become lists of the coolest stuff the artist can think of so that the concert venue can have it ready for them upon their arrival.
Diplo’s hospitality rider is legendary and has long thought to be the most bizarre ever. But it has a flaw. Very few of those items are actually possible to obtain. Diplo’s rider reads more like a parody than an actual list of requests.
There is, however, a hospitality rider that kicks Diplo’s rider in the junk, knees it in the face like Sagat from Street Fighter II (Turbo Edition, baby) and sets the newly deceased carcass on fire like a David Copperfield Las Vegas Casino show.
Dillon Francis knows how to party and his rider proves it. You could allege that his rider is suspect because he has been affiliated with Diplo in the past and he actually verified the veracity of his virtuous hospitality trailer on his Facebook page.
The difference between Dillon’s rider and Diplo’s rider is function. There’s nothing you can do with a Malawian orphan that Madonna hasn’t already done. What’s left will require clearance from the United Nations.
There is, however, a lot you can do with an Indiana Jones whip, a photo Arnold Schwarzenegger, a blow up doll with lube and VHS porn tapes. Don’t say you’ve never thought of it before.
An evening with professional DJ Dillon Francis, according to his rider, would probably involve eating those healthy meals for starters with some freshly busted open pinata candy for dessert. Thirsty? You’ve got bottled water and coconut water. Tired? He’s got Red Bull for in between his set list. Need a voyeuristic feel to your evening’s activities? Sylvester Stallone as ‘Rambo’ looking down on you in judgment.
You feel uncomfortable? Feel like you stepped out of bounds? Exhausted after your DJ adventure? Dillon Francis has you covered. Turkey Jerky and fruit have plenty of protein, vitamins and minerals during your time with Francis, cuddled up next to the Amish Made Electric Fireplace.
Sounds like a great night! But some items hold unique distinctions all their own:
Why would a DJ need a gun? To protect himself from people barging into the green room of course.
Why does he need disposable cameras? To record the events of the night in case cell batteries can’t keep up.
And why on earth would Dillon Francis need the promoter’s girlfriend’s number? So he could have someone to reach in case of emergency. Duh.
What’s up with the signed picture of Avicii though? Surely it’s to make sure that a fan that visits his dressing room has something to remember their time by, right?
