Let me premise by saying, I love reading stories on sites like these, and for the most part, I think we can all compare. Well, I am hoping at least, someone can compare to this story because it is not only unlike me, but continues to haunt me to this day.
You know those girls at your school that you don’t know, but walk by all the time? I mean, let’s be honest, the only reason you notice this is because they’ve caught your eye. Well, at my preppy-ass school, cool, stylish, cigarette-in-one-hand-and-coffee-in-the-other-at-8-a.m., “badass” looking blonde bombshells are hard to come by. This one would rock a small leather jacket, tank top, tight jeans finished with a nice pair of old school Chucks or SB dunks (and I’m not talking about the new age whack-SAE-wearing fluorescent color kicks–I’m talking the classics). This girl epitomized the words classic and sexy and made for the perfect centerpiece for my WorstHookups.com story.
I would walk past this girl everyday at 9 a.m.–brutal. The highlight of the walk would be our three-second frickin of the eyes to which I would finish off with a probably creepy smile of satisfaction.
So one beautiful Saturday, my fraternity was having a day-drink at one of our houses. I was positioned at the top of the hill in the middle of the backyard, so as to have a 360-degree eagle eye view of my prey. This position turned out to work in my favor obviously, as I saw my mysterious and sexy morning eye-fudge buddy approaching the backyard looking a little out of place, entering with a seemingly loyal and just as curious friend who happened to be in one of my classes. Perfect.
Well, the friend definitely made it a lot easier to approach as she introduced us. Turned out, she was from Panama and has this raspy voice on top of her strong Spanish accent. Seriously, could this girl could get any sexier? But the target was not buying the bait. She seemed totally disinterested in me, the party and life in general. Straight bored. Yet, I persevered and finally get a laugh out of her. I offered to get them a drink as I smoothly whipped out my Zippo and lit her cigarette before she could even reach for her lighter. I was playing all my cards right.
We all had one drink until the mysterious beauty prematurely decided that she had enough and began to head out. I let her go, but made sure her friend knew I was interested given my exclamation of, “Damn yo, your girlfriend is fine–I’d love to hit that face.” (Fellas you know exactly what I’m talking about). Ok, they left. I was a little disappointed, but certainly glad at the moves I had just made–subtle or not.
Whatever, I managed to frat out, black out, and wake up at 8 p.m. It was a pretty intense day, so my buddy and I decided to smoke a fat blunt of the dankest nugs on the East Coast while sipping on some fratty light to ease the evening hangover a little more. Finished with the L and blitzed out of my skull, we went outside to smoke a cigarette.
Low and behold, here came Panama’s finest, drunk off her ass, stumbling and laughing. She saw my buddy and I and jumped with joy. “I rrrremember you!” she said in her Central American-R-rolling-dialect. So, I offered her a cigarette and she chilled for a minute. To my utter surprise, she dragged me across the street to where her dorm was. I tried to assure her that she was drunk and we should do this some other time, but she kept telling me she was not THAT drunk. I asked her a question: what’s 14 times 8.5? Without hesitation she said 119. “Pssshh… lemme check that,” I said. Typed it in my phone and BOOM! 119 for sure! She couldn’t be that drunk (it turned out she was also a math and engineering science major, so I was dealing with beauty with brains! She’s gotta be the one)!
Made it back to her room, and this girl was straight on fire. Making all the right moves, whispering in my ear Spanish words they didn’t teach me in high school. I was hot as my buddy’s little sister who burned all of her hair off trying to light our grill the semester before–mean, but funny. So she was on top of me with no panties. As she took off her tank top, it occurred to me, wow, as tiny as she is not only did she have a fat butt– she had fake tits! I was surprised that I couldn’t tell earlier but I guess she really didn’t flaunt them. As she was riding me dry, I was about to put a condom. However, when I began rubbing her silicon breasts, I felt a big scar under each breast. Remember–I was higher than Tom Petty then and became uneasy with random thoughts of the silicon pouring out of the scar or how she might have been a spy for the Panamanian government. She said she just got them done. “You like?” Yeah, I do–with a shirt on. I just tried to focus and get the condom on. But FUCK! All I could think about were those scars and how an army of Spanish soldiers would come busting through the door any minute. I couldn’t get hard, despite the erotic foreplay. This had never happened to me before–even when high. It was however, my first time with fake breasts and with a girl who knows little English but seemed smarter than me (no excuses- play like a champion).
To get to the point, she just started laughing at me and said, “¿Lo que es el punto de ser a un chico de frat si usted no puede joda una mina mona?!” which I probably correctly understood something as, “Fucking frat boy can’t even get hard!” Yeah well, close enough.
She continued to laugh as I shamefully got dressed. Fuck. The one time this has ever happened to me, it had to be with this chica. “The Beast of the East” turned the beauty into a beast in my head–not cool.
Oh yeah, I got one last condescending giggle on Monday morning walking to class…fudge.
For more hilarious tales of hookup debauchery, check out WorstHookups.com.
